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Category: Family Systems

When You “Mess Up”

At some point in therapy, clients may come into session and begin with something like, “I really goofed up,” (Okay, sometimes the language is more colorful!) or, “I’m not proud of this, but….” Or something like that. 

And I’m not surprised. Active participation in therapy involves willingness to learn and make changes.  You get to know your thoughts and beliefs, feelings and physiological reactions in all kinds of situations.   You start being able to observe yourself in your family, work and life systems. You take responsibility for your self and surrender the hope that others will change along with the belief that if they do, THAT will finally make your life better.   People sometimes leave my office in anger when I tell them I cannot help them change someone else.

And following this path of self-responsibility also means that as you learn and bravely make changes, trusting your gut for what resonates and staying on course as well as possible, you will also mess up.   

Boy will you. 

After messing up, you might then blame yourself or others, feel ashamed, lose hope, throw your hands up in despair or declare that this work on self and making changes is too hard.

And what I’ll tell you from deep knowing and experience, because I am a human being working on my self right along with you, is this:  It’s all normal.  It’s all expected.  And it’s all alright.

I’m not saying that it’s fine to lash out at yourselves or others, repeat a hurtful pattern in a relationship, gulp multiple glasses of wine, buy or eat something to make yourself feel better, or avoid life by binge watching Netflix.  But I do understand those choices as common ways to avoid your pain and temporarily alleviate your suffering. And I know that lasting change takes time.

So after making a mistake, it’s important to remember that in order to be brave, awake, and self-responsible, you must turn toward yourself with kindness and forgiveness, identify what triggered the “mess up” and return to what you have decided is a healthier path for you. You may need to apologize to yourself or someone else.

You will do this over and over.  You will “mess up” over and over.  And part of what determines how you learn to navigate the world with greater ease, courage, and strength is how you decide to handle your mistakes.

I know this because I live it.  I revert to old, non-productive ways of managing stress, thoughts and feelings.  I blame others.  I stew.   I forget my ways to deeply care for myself and stay engaged in the world.  I forget that I am part of a wider family, cultural, economic and social system.  

Recently I really “messed up.”  One of my significant triggers, which I’m mentioned in an earlier post, is worry about money.  I come from a long line of money worriers, Swiss and Germans who worked hard, lived frugally and didn’t have a lot extra.  When I am calm, I can remember the patterns in my family history, and the way I am prone to absorb similar worries about money.

When I am triggered, however, all of that dissipates. If I forget to slow down and comfort that scared part of me, I will lose it.  I’ll target my spouse for my worries.  I’ll lose sleep and start to spin catastrophic scenarios of poverty, bankruptcy and humiliation.  Yup, that’s what I do.  Even while, at the present moment, I have a warm home, plenty of food and clothing, savings in the bank and a robust private practice.

I’m human and it feels awful to careen down that particular lane. That lane is narrow, rutted and filled with potholes where dark clouds loom overhead, where I believe I am unprotected and alone, the only one facing these worries.

But I’ve learned I can return to my truth and my tools for calming myself  – these constitute a much broader, smoother lane:  deep breathing, journaling, meditation, recalling my deepest values (and how I can live them regardless of any financial statement), talking to trusted friends, gratitude, and sometimes calling my own therapist!  That lane is smooth and lined with leafy trees and benches for resting, friends are available down side lanes and I can be grateful for all the resiliency and muscle I’ve built from years of working with this.

So, if you are a perfectionist, or think working in therapy will produce instant results with a clear upward trajectory, I am here to ruin that delusion.  But all is not even remotely lost. Therapy, undertaken by those who own responsibility for self, while letting go of what is not theirs to focus on, can be an invaluable accompaniment to lasting change, reduced symptoms, and a lifelong commitment to learning and re-centering after you “mess up.”

I’ve always liked the following poem, Autobiography in Five Chapters, by Portia Nelson.

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

—————————————————————-

Change, however, is usually not linear and sometimes, despite hard work, we revert to early chapters.  The difference that work on self makes over time is the ability to more quickly pick yourself up and walk down a different street.

I close with a quote by Daniel Hillel:   

“I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing.”

Brenda Hartman-Souder, LCSWR

January 2020

(photo by by chuttersnap on Unsplash)

There Is Nothing Wrong With You

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That’s an ironic title for a therapist who makes her living helping people with various life problems and challenges, and who are frequently convinced there’s something terribly amiss. 

And I get it.  As a professional, I view symptoms, mistakes and problems with a different lens, but in times of deep personal stress I revert back to that kind of “I’m defective” or “I’m broken” thinking; it’s that ingrained!

Raised in the Christian faith, I was taught that I was flawed at birth – not because of anything I did but simply because I was born into an already sinful world and therefore blotted with badness. It’s taken me more than fifty years to counter this teaching of “original sin,” –  a teaching I view as untrue and damaging.

Now I believe something different.  I understand clients who come to me as humans whose challenges and symptoms are important messengers trying to get our attention.   They may certainly be painful, confusing, damaging to themselves and others, deeply entrenched or getting them in trouble.  But that does not mean they are sign of individual pathology or badness.

Turning Toward Yourself

A therapist can only truly help their clients with lessons they’ve learned themselves.  For me, finally turning to myself – my mind and my body, with kindness, acceptance and compassion has been the key.

When I started to more consistently relate to myself with genuine acceptance and friendship as I felt scared, angry, worried, depressed, tired or sad, I recognized a fundamental shift, a huge relief and a feeling of rightness.

Going Against the Grain

How is it that our culture (and religious systems) teach us to hate ourselves until or unless we reach some pinnacle of perfection?  And who decides what perfect is? You needn’t travel too far to understand that in other cultures and countries what is beautiful or right is different from our western notions.

Do you know anyone who truly loves and accepts themselves for the marvelous creature they are?  Their body, even if it’s got stretch marks, varicose veins, sagging skin or “too much” heft?  Their fine mind, even if it sometimes spins unhelpful tales and convinces us of our imperfection?  Their emotions of grief, joy, fear, worry, contentment – all of them – as entirely human and acceptable?

Clients are relieved when they can name and experience this shift – from believing they are defective, flawed and in need of a huge overhaul to truly understanding themselves as whole and good, but with habits, ingrained reactions and ways of handling their problems that CAN CHANGE. 

Clients also often fight this shift – it can take a lot of time for someone to understand that hating, criticizing, berating and rejecting one’s self never gets them anywhere on the road to health.

A Wider Lens

Applying a family systems perspective to what is going on in your life also widens the lens and can make it easier to see how futile it is to place all the blame for life’s problems on one person (yourself or others).  A systems lens allows us to see that everything is connected and affects everything else.  We are intimately connected in our family, friendship and work relationships and what others do and what we do are part of a moving, integrated, dynamic system.   No one stands alone, isolated, defective and to blame.

The paradox is that change happens quicker and more smoothly once a client starts to trust more of the time that indeed, there is nothing wrong at the core with them – that they have inner goodness, resiliencies, strengths and insight that can guide them in the work of kindly looking at and taking responsibility for what is painful.

Pema Chodron says this in Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change: “We are fundamentally good, not fundamentally flawed, and we can trust this.”

If you can see struggles, symptoms or problems as messengers while harnessing an even fledgling belief in a wise, good, core self, you can learn to work with the very pain that led you to seek help.

So, there you have it.  I won’t view you as broken, defective, or “bad.”  And I’ll gently challenge you if you view yourself that way.

Brenda Hartman-Souder, LCSW
August 2019

Photo by Alistair MacRobert on Unsplash

For further reading, consider:

Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change, by Pema Chodron

Six Steps to Befriend Yourself, by Matt Licata and Jeff Foster.  You can access it in two parts on Sounds True:  https://manyvoices.soundstrue.com/6-principles-for-befriending-yourself-part-i/, and  here:  https://manyvoices.soundstrue.com/6-principles-for-befriending-yourself-part-ii/ and here:  https://manyvoices.soundstrue.com/6-principles-for-befriending-yourself-part-iii/

Restful Insomnia Article:  https://restfulinsomnia.com/how-to-make-meditation-be-more-kind/

 

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